Normally reviews will not contain so much material taken directly from the application; this is a review, not a MSTing of your application. However, I felt this applicant needed more direction as he seemed unfamiliar with this style of game.

Direct quotes from the application will be in this colour; my comments are in black.

***********************************************

STATISTICS

I'm not sure what type of games you normally play in, but we normally name our characters something other than our own names - otherwise, it looks like self-insertion, which is generally a no-no. Also, most characters have first and last names, though I can understand him having only one if he was born in a tribe where that's commonplace - however, to survive in "regular" society, I'd expect him to create a fictional last name for himself, too, or people might get suspicious.

Likes: His Sabazian, fighting, money, weaponry, women, and his trusty knife.

While these are okay to include, and help tell a lot about a person's character, they're not good at painting a complete picture - I suggest adding more to beef him up and make him more rounded and real. Of course, there aren't any sample profiles up for you to reference – I apologise for that.

Dislikes: All large empires, women abusers, interrogators, lawyers of any kind, drugs, and lemons

Woah, hang on - I appreciate the humour of throwing in something like lemons, but some of these need more explanation. Why does he hate drugs? Empires? Lawyers? Does he just feel the need to rebel against authority? This archetype is a little overdone.

Quirks: Tends to kill people who abuse women on sight. Protects the rights of all, even his enemies. Is incredibly attracted to girls with red hair.

He protects the rights of everyone, even while he's killing them? I have deep misgivings about a character who'd go about killing people and not fearing retribution. Inside the Western Territory is one thing, but most of the game is going to take place in the rest of Actavia, where there are governments and police. You can't just go about killing people. (And I wouldn't say a tendency to inflict his own brand of justice is a "quirk," per se.)

Hobbies: Engineering, cleaning his Sabazian, talking to his Sabazian, making upgrades for his Sabazian, and creating prototypes of any kind.

That's all he does in his free time? No sports? No interests?

Strengthens: Good with mechanics, hand-to-hand combat, air combat, melee combat, cracking codes, stealth, languages, and far sight.

That's a lot of areas to excel in - and how'd he become such a great mechanic coming from an area with NO technology?

Weaknesses: Will never harm a women even if she has a gun to his head, Will do anything for his Sabazian, is horrible long distance weapons, understanding others, and formality.

I think some of these things require additional explanation. Also, I think you could play with the weakness to the female gender a bit and make it more entertaining and less noble - the "even if she has a gun to his head" is a bit extreme, so I think it has some potential to add interest to his character.

Fears: He's afraid of losing his Sabazian, not making a difference in the world, being a hindrance, and having no purpose.

Aspirations: He aspires make a difference, to help bring the land back into peace. He doesn't care about himself, but wishes o help the lives of those who don't have much.

He's seeming very.. fake. So far he doesn't have any real negative qualities - he's a typical hard-boiled, devoted protector of the entire female species. Which makes him rather unbelievable and flat, to me.

Other: Hates lemons, likes apples, lives' wherever is convenient, and worships his tribal spirits. If you tried to give him a lemon, he'd take it as an insult. His favorite belonging is a small knife with a 4-inch blade. It has a plain wooden handle and no extra little add-ons or mechanisms to it. Thinks of himself as wolf, and never Bryan.

Why the dislike of lemons, if it's such a big deal to him? And why does he think of himself as a wolf?

APPEARANCE

Appearance isn't bad, though I would like more detail and uniqueness - he sounds like the typical Vin Diesel/comic book hero sort, and while that in itself would be okay, coupled with what I've read of his personality so far, it makes him seem even more generic. Also, the tattoos strongly remind me of that guy in the previews for "Elektra," (Electra?) which is never a good sign. I need to know what a "wolfish" face is, also - it's a lovely word (and I am a huge fan of wolves myself), but it doesn't compute very well in terms of an adjective attributed to faces. Behaviour or eyes, maybe, but not a whole face.

PERSONALITY

His personality was similarly weakly planned and executed; for example:

Bryan forgot his real name, so has used the name Bryan as it means strong. He has strong feelings against those who abuse or mistreat women. He has no real personal ties, and would go back on his employer as fast as striking cobra. He has a warped sense of humor, and finds death amusing. He is actually a kind person, but battle and death had changed his exterior to a bloody killer. To his friends he is unendingly loyal and would protect them to the death. He keeps not secrets from them, but won't tell them unless they ask.

He's unendingly loyal, but has no personal ties and would turn on you in an instant? This doesn't match at all. I'm having a hard time swallowing his character. Rugged killer, but with a warm heart – not all that interesting.

Due to his feelings about women, he doesn't think about them in any inappropriate ways. But, whenever he spots a girl with red hair, he feels emotions rise up to him that he doesn't understand. He doesn't understand love, only loyalty, betrayal, rage, and hate.

Ack. Okay, so he's like an animal - he's never really connected with anyone. You could play on this and make him more like a confused pup. I'm just not buying this conflicting act of his. He loves redheads, but he's never thought about women in an inappropriate way? Which is he - girl-crazy, or blindly devoted to protecting something he doesn't understand? And why does he feel this way about women, anyway? He's been on his own for years - that doesn't seem to me like it would raise very strong protector feelings, only make him antisocial.

HISTORY

Bryan was born in a small tribe among the badlands. As he grew up, he learned all of the tribe's history and spirits. At age 6, he felt that he was a useless pawn, and ran away from the tribe. He had to fend for himself, live of the land, and protect himself. Bryan befriended the animals of the forests and mountains he wandered to, and tattooed him with their appearances. Once he saw a wolf with four serpents on its legs, and he felt that an omen. He tattooed himself the wolf on his hand, and entered the Sabazian program. It took him a few years of practice before entering, but he was a quick learner and was able to become a pilot by 23. At age 24, he got his scar on his forehead, and got the nickname giant. He was already known as wolf and Bry, but Giant was what all the other soldiers and pilots called him. At age 25, he was a battle-hardened killer who had lost the meaning of love, and no longer knew his dreams.

Why did he feel like he was a useless pawn? How did he survive on his own in a harsh, unforgiving desert most adults can't survive from age six? And how did we jump from him being six to him entering the program, presumably at age 18 or older? Where'd he get the technology to tattoo himself? How did he adjust to a world of technology? More importantly, how did he cross an entire CONTINENT on his own? I also advise strongly against the "He befriended the woodlands creature!" route; it worked for Rudyard Kipling, but doesn't really work outside his stories. Not to mention, between Mowgli and Tarzan - it's been done.

How'd he get the scar? Why did he sign up for the Sabazius program?

How'd he find out about it? You haven't told me how he feels about anything: magic, technology, this new world he's never encountered before...

PILOT INFO

Attire: When going into battle, he would take of his shirt, take a strange rope and tie it onto his forehead keeping his bangs out of the way. He would also bring a few spare knives, and an exotic looking short sword. He only brought it with him when going into battle, it had a hook on the end, and the side where the hook jutted out, were sawed edges.

He takes off his shirt..? I wouldn't recommend a fighter pilot head into the cockpit shirtless.. And the bizarre shift of tense here befuddles me.

Weapon: He always brings with him a steel plated leather gauntlet. He had trained with it all his life, and being ambidextrous he could wear it on whatever hand he wished. The gauntlet was blackish rough leather, and the steel plates covered the front of the fist. The metal has a couple bloodstains on it, as does the leather.

And the knives, and the shortsword (which is already used by one of the characters)? I'll admit that gauntlet is a cool weapon, but having three primary weapons is overdoing it a little, especially when he's already *flying* his main weapon. And he wears no armour, but his entire line of weaponry is stuff designed for close contact - is the man immune to pain or something?

Special Abilities: He has the innate ability to tell when someone is lying. The shamans call this ability, "Wolves Spirit." It means that the spirit wolf of the tribe guides you and helps you from deceit. Has the strange ability to commune with animals, and can speak with spirits. He has a strange ability, he can manipulate wood.

WOAH. Okay, telling lies I can kind of see - it doesn't make much sense, but. Talking to animals as well is really pushing it, but then he has this wood ability too? This has way too much potential for abuse, especially the lie-detector and the animal communication, and you need to explain the wood power (and how he got it) a little better.

His fighting style was believable, but since he's offensive, shouldn't he wear plenty of armour since he can't defend as well?

Strong Against: He is strong against physical attacks, and can take on and test of endurance or speed. He is not susceptible to a mental attack.

He's strong against physical AND mental attacks of all kinds? Does this guy have ANY weaknesses, besides women (which I think is poorly explained and a bit of a copout - it's like kryptonite being his one weakness).

Weak Against: He is weak against women. Because he refuses to harm women, having a female fight him can easily defeat him.

Again, could be interesting, but this sort of implies he can beat ANY man, and is only beaten by women because he refuses to fight. Way too god-modey.

I actually liked his mech (though it needs a more manageable name – “Model X-433 Wolf Class” is cumbersome and not in line with the model names of the other units), but it needed more description. Overall the idea made me quite happy, but I need a lot more info on the weapons systems, and its one named ability was not appropriate.

Abilities: Can open land on the ground, and fold in it's wing, bend them so they are like a armored plate on its black, arms can come out from the wings leaving a space in the wings, the wings and then fold into out creating a wingspan of a standing dragon, and the mech can then take blades from itself to serve as a weapon. Cannot go under water.

Totally out. The pilots are not operating transformers. How does the "Wolf" come in? I'd like a lot more information on its abilities, though I know this part of the app is very short.

Homeland Info: Secrets of the Badland Tribe of the Spirit Wolves will be protected.

You need to describe his tribe/homeland in way more detail than that, especially given the brevity of his history.

Character Secrets: Real name Karwolf, but chose to not think about it. Has a strange past, and knows he's different than other people, even those of his tribe.

What is the strange past? I intentionally put this section here so people could alert me if there were things they didn't want the rest of the players to know about their character, but the GM has to know. There's no way I can let someone in with a "mysterious past" that has yet to be explained. Why did he forget his name, to start with?

OVERALL

There are far too many unanswered questions in this app, and it lacks a lot of detail. The character has some potential, but fails to realise it utterly.

Additionally, though I did not explicitly say not to attach files, I do state pretty plainly that you're supposed to upload the application somewhere and just send me a link.

Unfortunately, I'm going to have to turn down your application. Please let me know if you have any questions or problems, and I thank you very much for your interest.